Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
