I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
