she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
