Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Randomize
