I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
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