if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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