Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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