She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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