You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Randomize
