Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
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masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
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I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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