I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
