I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
