Just fell off a train. Bad.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Randomize
