my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Randomize
