I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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