I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
