I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
