I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Panties = found
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
