he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
