i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
She told me I should be a condom model.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
