my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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