i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
