I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
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You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
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She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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