Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
