the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
