Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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