was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
