so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
