My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
