Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
