I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just invented taco cereal.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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