Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
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