we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
