Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize