I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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