I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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