I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
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I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
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A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize