wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
We left the knife in your bed.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
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