I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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