i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
