You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
