I think I died a long time ago.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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