I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I want to have your abortion
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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