i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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