the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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