i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
