So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
