my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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