Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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