i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
