i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
