come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Even my vagina gasped.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
