I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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