Cold hands, warm shart.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I'm really busy with my period
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