I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
