mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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