We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
