I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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