her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
